15 Funniest Jokes About Poland

5 min read    21 comments

For reasons that will become apparant to you once you've read the jokes below, let's begin with a disclaimer. These are jokes about Poland and Polish people. After hours of searching... these are the funniest we could find. Not a whole lot of solid, solid gold. Maybe more like bronze or copper. Let's just say these were the 15 passibly least offensive while still being passibly maybe funny jokes.

Most Polish jokes we came across were generic stereotypes about Polish people stealing, drinking, being racist, being lazy and being corrupt, with a splash of Poland vs. Russia & Germany. Pretty standard bad joke territory. The jokes, with their questionable hilarity, do not represent our actual opinions. They are to be taken with a grain of salt and with an idea towards bringing people together over a mate's giggle with the overriding knowledge that it's all silly banter between friends, rather than an generalised attack upon an entire nation. So, cool your boots, reader, and let us know below in the comments which jokes you found funny/not funny. Which part triggered social revelations in your value system. Or, if you have some better jokes about Poland then, my god, please do contribute as we would love to increase the quality of this limp list.

For an increased chance of laughter, check out:
30+ Funniest Polish Memes
25 Funny & Amazing Polish Idioms That Everybody Should Use
The 50 Funniest "Meanwhile in Poland..." Photos

 



Wilanow palace Poland central eastern Europe beautiful palaces

The Polish Minister went on an official trip to France...

during which he had to attend a diplomatic dinner with his French counterpart. Seeing his magnificent villa, with paintings from great masters on the walls, he asks the French Minister how he ensures such a standard of living from the modest salary of a low ranking Minister. 
The Frenchman invites him to the window.
- Can you see this highway?
- Yes
- It cost me 20 billion francs, the company wrote out an invoice for 25, and gave me the difference.

Two years later, the French Minister goes to Poland to visit his counterpart. Upon arrival, he sees that the Polish Minister's home is the most beautiful palace he has ever encountered in his life. He says to the Pole:
-Two years ago, you said that i lived a prince's life... but compared to you...
The Polish Minister approaches the window.
- Can you see this highway?
- No?
- Exactly.

 



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Why did David Copperfield have to cancel his performance in Poland?

Noone was interested because it's normal for things to dissapear in Poland.

 



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A Polish lady goes to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, she had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed her a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish woman replied, 'I know the guy.'
 


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A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

 



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Two Poles are talking about their friend who immigrated to America. 

- "Did you hear about Bartek? He opened up a jewellery store after just one year in America!" 
- "How did he do that?" 
- "With a crowbar."
 


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Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used? 

No matter where you sat, you were behind a Pole. 

 


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What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? 

A new last name.



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In the hospital a German, a Nigerian and a Polish man are waiting to see their newborn sons for the first time...

The nurses, however, have confused the names and do not know whose son is whose. So, they ask the fathers to come and look at the babies to discover which one was theirs. The German immediately approaches the melatonin blessed baby and takes it as his own. The nurses tell him that it's obviously not his, it belongs to the Nigerian. The German replies "Until you know for sure which one is Polish, i'm keeping this one to be on the safe side!"

 



CarFireTraining1

Why do Russians always steal two cars from Germany?

Because to get them back home they have to drive through Poland.

 



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Why did the Polish Soldier shoot the German soldier first before the Russian one?

Business before pleasure.

 



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Why should you be careful not to hit a cycling Pole?

Because it might be your bicycle.

 


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A Pole, an African & a Jew catch a magic goldfish.

In return for setting him free, the magic goldfish promises to give them each a wish.

First he asks the African what he would like:
- "For all the Africans to return to Africa and make one big country all together!"
Next he asks the Jew for his wish:
- "For all the Jews to return to Israel "
Then the fish asks the Pole what wish he would like granted:
- Well... I guess I don't have one anymore!

 



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Three married couples, one Chilean, one Fillipino & one Polish, go out to dinner together. 

The Chilean man says to his wife: "Can you give me the sugar, sweetie?". His wife kisses him on the lips and fulfills his request. The Fillipino man says to his wife: "My sweet honey, pass me the honey?" His wife kisses him on the lips and fulfills his request. Not to be outdone by a Chilean and a Fillipino, the Pole turns to his wife and says "Hand me the tea bags from my bag"...

 



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What is the difference between a Polish wedding and a Polish funeral?

There is one less drunk at the funeral.

 

dance19aug

My Polish grandmother used to perform for a ballet company...

It was always awkward listening to her Pole Dancing stories.

 



 

Source:

https://upjoke.com/polish-jokes

 http://jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/worldjokes/polandjokes.html

https://polska-refleksje.blogspot.com/2015/02/dowcipy-o-polakach-za-granica.html

 

Comments

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Janek
United States

Jas asks Stacy: what was the score of that hockey game last night. Stach responds: "3 to 1" Jas continues: " who won?" Stacy responds "3"

Reply Feb 2nd, 2022
Kobieta
Poland

None of these jokes are funny, even pathetic! I am Polish and I do not know Poles from this side! ...but! The only real and funny joke is about a Polish politician!

Reply Nov 26th, 2021
Kobieta
Poland

Żaden z tych dowcipów nie jest śmieszny a wręcz żałosny ! Jestem Polką i nie znam Polaków od tej strony!

Reply Nov 26th, 2021
Martyna Fiejdasz
Poland

These are making me cringe

Reply Oct 21st, 2021
Krzysztof
Poland

A Pole caught a magic goldfish. "Oh god man, let me free and I will fullfill your 3 wishes". OK, go. Back in the water, the goldfish says: "What is your first wish?". "Well, I want all oceans and seas to be vodka, not water". "No probs, god man! Done! What is your second wish?". Here the Pole started to calculate; oceans are huge, but one day all this vodka will finish... So he says: "I want all rivers flowing to the seas to be vodka, not water". "Done!" says the fish. Your third wish, please? Now the Pole got really embarrassed. He scratches his head, tries to think of something, but nothing comes to his mind. Finally, he says: "OK, you know, just give a bottle of vodka and we are done"

Reply Oct 13th, 2021
mickymac

Goldfish grants the Pole 2 wishes. First wish is a bottle of vodka that never empties. No matter how much is poured from it, it’s always full after pouring. And what is your second wish says the goldfish ? I’ll have another one of them vodka bottles.

Reply Oct 30th, 2021
James Zielinski
United States

Two Poles are wqlking in the forest. In the grass they see a grisly sight; a severed human head. One of the guys picks it up by the hair and holds it up and says "My God it's Stosh" The other guy insists it is not Stosh. He says Stosh wasn't that tall.

Reply Oct 12th, 2021
Mary Sophia Lee
United States

I'm Polish and they're funny.

Reply Jul 11th, 2021
Rene
Poland

Hooked on jokes English have no sense of humor

Reply Jun 22nd, 2021
Robby Harrington Bonfire
United States

Did you hear about the Polish hockey player who got a breakaway in a game of shinny (Pond hockey) and hasn't been seen since?

Reply May 16th, 2021
hakuna matata

i dont get the one with the goldfish

Reply May 8th, 2021
Michał
Poland

Although most of them are the old chestnuts, I find these jokes funny :D And I'm a Pole :D

Reply Apr 15th, 2021
Martyna Fiejdasz
Poland

Good. Very good.

Reply Oct 21st, 2021
Maia

I do not get to laugh much in the UK but these jokes made me laugh!!! I found them funny esp the lady doing the eye test and the German visiting Poland jokes!!

Reply Apr 10th, 2021
Rene

I agree

Reply Jun 22nd, 2021
Linda

Six jokes at least are very offensive and racial. Some are very cruel.

Reply Feb 11th, 2021
Guest
Russia

chill out

Reply Jun 2nd, 2021
JUSTMEAN

Yeah chill out Karen, obviously you're not polish

Reply Sep 10th, 2021
Krzysztof
Poland

Hi Linda, Poles are (in general) whites, so I am not sure why you consider any of the above "racial", unless you mean this Nigerian and Filipino stuff

Reply Oct 13th, 2021
Martyna Fiejdasz

Get out of here, Russian!

Reply Oct 21st, 2021
chig bungus
Botswana

haha

Reply Mar 12th, 2020