A Cock and Bull Story?

3 min read    110 comments

Many legends surround the pilgrim, mystic and faith-healer Grigori Rasputin, one-time advisor to the Romanov family and, as Boney M famously put it, 'Russia's greatest love machine'. However of all the famous fables, few are quite as long-winded or amusing as the stories directly concerned with the Mad Monk's gigantic genitalia. Since the Siberian's assassination in 1916 many people have claimed to own the penis of the dead man, with one prominent Russian doctor currently displaying what he upholds is the real Rasputin rooter in his museum in St. Petersburg.

Rasputin Exhibition Guided Tour

Book tickets online

Hang on a minute! How can anyone claim to have grabbed hold of such a schlong when surely the Russian mystic and royal advisor was buried with his tackle intact? Well not so according to some, who would have us believe that a maid came into possession of the prize privates after Rasputin's death. Some say that Rasputin was castrated by his assasins and that a maid found the dismembered... Errr... member when cleaning up the next day. Others claim that the canny wench, one of the hairy man's many bedtime conspirators, severed the sausage as a souvenir after the autopsy.

Whatever the (un)truth of the matter, the (alleged) fact is that Rasputin's ramrod was at large in the world. And much like in its making hay-day, the beast was wont to wander. In fact it next turned up in 1920s Paris, where a group of Russian ex-patriates worshipped the wonder weiner, certain that it would bring them fertility.

However, on finding out about this crazy cult, Marie Rasputin (the Mad Monk's daughter) expressed her extreme disapproval of such goings-on and demanded the return of daddy's dong. However, just when it seemed that the saintly shaft had finally shrunk from the annals, it popped up again in 1994 for a final hurrah.

It happened that Michael Augustine of California aquired the jolly John Thomas by accident when he purchased the effects of one Dr. Ripple in 1977. Dr. Ripple had collaborated with Marie Rasputin on a hagiography of her father, and so had inherited the whopper willy on Marie's demise. Or had she? Well after Michael Augustine sold the item in question to Bonham's auction house, tests were done and the would-be winkle turned out to be not a penis at all - but a dessicated sea-cucumber.

And that was the (bell) end of that? No, siree. The latest twist in the trouser snake saga involves eminent Russian doctor Igor Knyazkin, head physician of the Prostate Centre of Russia's Academy of Sciences. The good doctor proudly opened the nation's first Museum of Erotica in 2004 (in a sexual health clinic!) in order to display some of the 15,000 items he has amassed during his time as a sex objects collector. Amongst them - you guessed it - is none other than the alleged appendage of the Mad Monk himself.

An impressive 11 inches (nearly 30cm) long, and as thick as most men's wrists, the pickled pecker certainly measures up to the reports of Rasputin's raking rapier - which according to his daughter Marie (we're afraid to ask how she would know this!) was a whopping 13 inches long when pointing skywards.

So Dr. Knyazkin's exhibit looks the part - so to speak - but is it really the genuine johnson? Well, no tests have been conducted on the mummified monster, which raises one's suspicions, whilst the general consensus amongst zoologists is that the ostracised organ most likely once belonged to a horse or bovine animal...

Making the tool tale of Rasputin's penis, quite literally, a cock and bull story.

More sleaze Vicar?

Comments

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Ren

He-his-......im sorry.....? Shlong dong energy am I right? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Reply May 6th, 2020
marisa
United States

do u wanna be friends

Reply May 12th, 2020
John C. Anderson
Poland

Isn't it interesting that pickled pecker as you so humorously referred to it is in Saint PETERsburg

Reply May 5th, 2020
Guest

You're ridiculous.

Reply May 14th, 2020
Bonbon

nice

Reply May 1st, 2020
Guest

Wtf

Reply Apr 20th, 2020
Guest

you to

Reply Apr 3rd, 2020
Guest

thats a nice dong

Reply Feb 18th, 2020
Guest

No more big dick energy now it’s rasputin energy

Reply Jan 29th, 2020
jim beam
Botswana

i did not know he was black

Reply Jan 24th, 2020
Rasputin's secret admirer
Trinidad And Tobago

massive fucking shlong, would love to deepthroat it x

Reply Jan 24th, 2020
ris
France

me too buddy

Reply May 12th, 2020
Big-B
United States

mines bigger and im 17

Reply Jan 21st, 2020
sick
United States

mines bigger and i'm 6

Reply Jan 24th, 2020
Monique
United States

Then you should let me help you out with that.

Reply Feb 6th, 2020
Rasputin
Russia

im still alive

Reply Jan 11th, 2020
Rasputin’s penis
Russia

please get me out of the jar and back on your body

Reply May 20th, 2020
Guest

Is this the horn of Gondor?

Reply Aug 20th, 2019
...

Ra ra Rasputín Russians greatest love machine

Reply Aug 15th, 2019
Guest

*Russia's correct spelling

Reply May 4th, 2020
Stacy
United States

Makes me so wet!

Reply May 27th, 2019
please
Antigua And Barbuda

why

Reply Jun 7th, 2019
i love trap pussy

trap?

Reply Jan 24th, 2020
Guest

ur gross

Reply Mar 19th, 2020
glibber bagguette
Afghanistan

Whoever wrote this is a literary genius please write my essays much thank!

Reply Apr 30th, 2019
Guest

lazy ass

Reply Mar 19th, 2020
Guest

Thank you

Reply Apr 20th, 2019
Winston McHaffie
United States

A blessing?? I have 9.5” and believe it is no blessing. Girl go out with me one time and they are done. Can’t wear shorts, even Bermuda’s.

Reply Apr 17th, 2019
Guest

Stay out of Asia, go to west africa and maternity wards..Also 1/4 of Walmart shopping women can handle you Winston... If you have a piece that big.. Don't flatter yourself.. I was a 10 pound baby.. So go boink my mom.. I was bigger than you

Reply Jun 28th, 2019
Aj

You kidding brrr

Reply Sep 26th, 2019
George
Spain

Try men. They will adore you!

Reply Oct 9th, 2019
Mohamet
Algeria

Yes

Reply Mar 13th, 2019
Libuše
Czech Republic

Rasputin je prostě borec lol

Reply Feb 25th, 2019
Jo

I saw it at the museum in November 2007. I wonder if the museum still exists? Doesn’t seem to show up on a google search

Reply Dec 14th, 2018
Emma
United States

My history teacher told me to go research Rasputin... Guess this is as good as it's gonna get. lmao

Reply Nov 12th, 2018
Balaji
India

Yes my professor told us to google it n see.

Reply Dec 14th, 2018
Alex

Now thats what i call BDE

Reply Oct 11th, 2018
Agee100
Poland

Ra ra rasputin russian greatest love machine ;)

Reply Oct 4th, 2018
Guest

It was a shame how he carried on...

Reply Oct 5th, 2018
AdamBananas
United States

I love that you know this song. LOL

Reply Dec 7th, 2018
Jane
United States

I love you song Rasputin by Boney M,

Reply Mar 3rd, 2019
Paul
Canada

Pieter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers

Reply Sep 14th, 2018
james
United States

if wishes were horses we could all take a ride

Reply Aug 18th, 2018
Those Russians
Russia

That's a great song.

Reply Aug 27th, 2018
Waqar
Pakistan

great saying

Reply Jan 7th, 2019
Natasa
Russia

Yes

Reply Mar 3rd, 2019
Hope Duchaine
United States

I don't believe that any human being can be blessed with this sexual appendage.

Reply Jul 31st, 2018
Tony
United States

Umm I guess...

Reply Nov 27th, 2018
George Thomson
Spain

You will be surprised if you check better! The truth is out there...

Reply Oct 9th, 2019
Jan Michael Vincent
United Kingdom

Thats one big pp

Reply Jun 29th, 2018
fucko
United States

I had no idea there were so many ways to say “big dick”. Thank you, author.

Reply Jun 1st, 2018
fucka
United States

I thought so too. Brilliant! haha

Reply Dec 30th, 2018
Marlene
Canada

Red flag red flag red flag!!! How revolting. This must be the new norm for some. SMH in disgust. Absolutely no respect! Just perverted judgement & assumption. Anything to draw attention towards ignorance & stupidity.

Reply Mar 28th, 2018
Jeez Canadian Lady Relax
United States

Umm... jeez! It is a historical detail about an intriguing person in history and isn't a "new norm" but people have been wondering about it ever since he died a long time ago. What a prude... People have sex organs and are very interested in them. If we weren't our species would not continue to exist...

Reply Dec 30th, 2018
Beavis
Belarus

Hahahahahahahah. Ignorance and stupidity she says.

Reply Jul 13th, 2019
Marlene
United States

You did not have to read it if it’s beneath you, let alone leave a comment. Sucks you share the same name as me.

Reply Jul 21st, 2019
George Thomson
Spain

May day, May day! A big dick is on its way!

Reply Oct 9th, 2019
Guest

Most NORMs (Not Overly Rigid Morally people, a term I just coined) got a kick out of it. What's your problem got one stuck up yer arse*? * Incidentally Iused the British word for it 'cause I'm trying to be nice

Reply May 5th, 2020
John C Anderson
United States

Speaking of beneath her. I'll bet she'd love to have that Siberian Sausage beneath her because she seems like one of those I'm gonna be on top, control freak creatures.

Reply May 5th, 2020
Guest
United States

Very amused. All of a sudden, very warm.

Reply Feb 10th, 2018
Ismal
United States

look like mine :/

Reply Jan 25th, 2018
Kaden
United States

Boi, yo name is literally “is small”

Reply Feb 1st, 2019
Terry
China

hahaha

Reply Mar 9th, 2019
George Thomson
Spain

If you are uncut...

Reply Oct 9th, 2019
CosmicDebris69
South Africa

I would love to suck such a big cock!

Reply Dec 22nd, 2017
olix
Poland

dojebany

Reply Nov 9th, 2017
Suzie
United States

That looks like a horse dick.

Reply Oct 5th, 2017
Bigone10long
United States

Mine looks about the same when not hard.

Reply Jun 14th, 2019
George Thomson
Spain

Are you uncut?

Reply Oct 9th, 2019
Idiot
Finland

Ra ra rasputin, russias greatest love machine

Reply Jul 17th, 2017
Vladimir
United Kingdom

I don't believe this is actually Rasputin's johnson. However, it looks nothing like a sea cucumber. I suspect it probably belongs to some animal. Or another person. But... if it's a person, I'd like to know how they got it. Because if it's human, it's a crime in some form or other. Anyway, we will never truly know.

Reply Jul 11th, 2017
naresh yadav
India

mind blowing story.its a great story for sex scar

Reply Jun 1st, 2017
Guest
Russia

we are with you.keep on demanding.its your right.

Reply Jun 1st, 2017
Guest
Russia

its circumside if it was animal it would have forskin to cover the head gland

Reply Jan 24th, 2017
George Thomson
Spain

Most Europeans and of course russian we are uncut

Reply Oct 9th, 2019
Phillip
United Kingdom

Interesting article but extremely unlikely and difficult to believe there is much truth in it. Seems rather fictitious to me ! I am inclined to believe the Sea Cucumber or Horse/Bovine animal explanation myself but no one will ever know the real truth just like many of life and history's conundrums !

Reply Oct 8th, 2016
Sandy
United States

Utterly enjoyed this story. I am so glad that I read it.

Reply Jun 21st, 2016
andiswa
South Africa

i just don't believe this

Reply Nov 17th, 2015
Guest
Russia

lol

Reply Jul 14th, 2015
Kerry
Australia

Great article, very funny :)

Reply Jul 5th, 2015
Sherry
India

Loved the article! Reached here after reading the whole wiki about him but this one is more interestingly written! You Rock, Author!

Reply Jun 13th, 2015
emily
United States

Wow

Reply Jun 10th, 2015
Laurie
Australia

What a beautifully written piece...plenty of laughs there. Mikelefou from France .....you have seen bigger, they must make them BIG over there?? Wee wee

Reply May 23rd, 2015
mikelefou
France

I have seen bigger in the showers at my local rugby club! Not that rare believe me...

Reply Apr 14th, 2015
no, you bozo
Russia

I really doubt it…

Reply Jun 8th, 2015
Charlie
New Zealand

You're as delusional as Ra Ra himself unless your rugby club are all fools and horses.

Reply Feb 11th, 2018
BabyRasputin
United States

Well, no one will believe this, but I'm a dependent of Rasputin's through my paternal grandmother. The family has letters and books that prove it. No magical powers, 13 inch dong, or evil inclinations inherited.

Reply Mar 29th, 2015
BabyRasputin
United States

That should read "descendant", not dependant, sorry.

Reply Mar 29th, 2015
Dr. Mentrationational Pac Guitary
United States

I am a decendant of the great Guitary Guitar the III, former Lord of Dongerland. No one believes me but I assure you that he is my ancestor

Reply Feb 19th, 2018
Talia
Germany

I thought this was funny to be honest !

Reply Mar 21st, 2015
Philipe Afonsk
Brazil

Cool article!

Reply Dec 2nd, 2013
Drake Lee-Patterson
United States

Loved the alliteration. Good work.

Reply Aug 24th, 2013
Sara from USA
United States

Very well written. Who is the author of this article? Please take a well earned credit.

Reply Aug 7th, 2013
Luna
Brazil

Wow Rasputin was so dangerous now I can understand why is many women interest in him if he still live in this time hi can be a good porno star lol

Reply Jul 1st, 2013
Vladimir
United Kingdom

To be fair, I think his manipulative personality and charisma is what attracted people. It wasn't only women either. Though I think the size of his penis is more of an urban legend. Anyway, don't get too excited about him... he was also a rapist.

Reply Jul 11th, 2017
Dick
Russia

Rasputin was huge!

Reply Jun 7th, 2013
Rachel
United States

While reading this article, I was laughing so hard I had trouble breathing. I still have tears on my cheeks. I just love all the different, poetic synonyms you come up with to describe Rasputin's cock. Several years ago, I Googled "Rasputin" out of curiosity. The first title to come up was Rasputin at Wikipedia, and the second was..."Rasputin's Penis." Also at Wikipedia. I remember showing my sister, and how hard we both laughed at the probable troll article. Well, sadly, that article was taken down. But I'm glad to have found this one! I'll be sharing this on FB now.

Reply May 25th, 2013
Guest
Ireland

Interesting…But it's closed. :/

Reply Apr 26th, 2013
United States

Such a little thing

Reply Feb 7th, 2013
Brian
Hong Kong

The museum is shutted down according to my visit to Petersburg at Feb 12.

Reply Jan 28th, 2013

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