A Cock and Bull Story?
Many legends surround the pilgrim, mystic and faith-healer Grigori Rasputin, one-time advisor to the Romanov family and, as Boney M famously put it, 'Russia's greatest love machine'. However of all the famous fables, few are quite as long-winded or amusing as the stories directly concerned with the Mad Monk's gigantic genitalia. Since the Siberian's assassination in 1916 many people have claimed to own the penis of the dead man, with one prominent Russian doctor currently displaying what he upholds is the real Rasputin rooter in his museum in St. Petersburg.
Rasputin Exhibition Guided Tour
Hang on a minute! How can anyone claim to have grabbed hold of such a schlong when surely the Russian mystic and royal advisor was buried with his tackle intact? Well not so according to some, who would have us believe that a maid came into possession of the prize privates after Rasputin's death. Some say that Rasputin was castrated by his assasins and that a maid found the dismembered... Errr... member when cleaning up the next day. Others claim that the canny wench, one of the hairy man's many bedtime conspirators, severed the sausage as a souvenir after the autopsy.
Whatever the (un)truth of the matter, the (alleged) fact is that Rasputin's ramrod was at large in the world. And much like in its making hay-day, the beast was wont to wander. In fact it next turned up in 1920s Paris, where a group of Russian ex-patriates worshipped the wonder weiner, certain that it would bring them fertility.
However, on finding out about this crazy cult, Marie Rasputin (the Mad Monk's daughter) expressed her extreme disapproval of such goings-on and demanded the return of daddy's dong. However, just when it seemed that the saintly shaft had finally shrunk from the annals, it popped up again in 1994 for a final hurrah.
It happened that Michael Augustine of California aquired the jolly John Thomas by accident when he purchased the effects of one Dr. Ripple in 1977. Dr. Ripple had collaborated with Marie Rasputin on a hagiography of her father, and so had inherited the whopper willy on Marie's demise. Or had she? Well after Michael Augustine sold the item in question to Bonham's auction house, tests were done and the would-be winkle turned out to be not a penis at all - but a dessicated sea-cucumber.
And that was the (bell) end of that? No, siree. The latest twist in the trouser snake saga involves eminent Russian doctor Igor Knyazkin, head physician of the Prostate Centre of Russia's Academy of Sciences. The good doctor proudly opened the nation's first Museum of Erotica in 2004 (in a sexual health clinic!) in order to display some of the 15,000 items he has amassed during his time as a sex objects collector. Amongst them - you guessed it - is none other than the alleged appendage of the Mad Monk himself.
An impressive 11 inches (nearly 30cm) long, and as thick as most men's wrists, the pickled pecker certainly measures up to the reports of Rasputin's raking rapier - which according to his daughter Marie (we're afraid to ask how she would know this!) was a whopping 13 inches long when pointing skywards.
So Dr. Knyazkin's exhibit looks the part - so to speak - but is it really the genuine johnson? Well, no tests have been conducted on the mummified monster, which raises one's suspicions, whilst the general consensus amongst zoologists is that the ostracised organ most likely once belonged to a horse or bovine animal...
Making the tool tale of Rasputin's penis, quite literally, a cock and bull story.
More sleaze Vicar?
Comments
Is this the horn of Gondor?
ReplyRa ra Rasputín Russians greatest love machine
ReplyMakes me so wet!
Replywhy
ReplyMine is 23
ReplyI wanna feel it then
ReplyWhoever wrote this is a literary genius please write my essays much thank!
ReplyThank you
ReplyA blessing?? I have 9.5” and believe it is no blessing. Girl go out with me one time and they are done. Can’t wear shorts, even Bermuda’s.
ReplyStay out of Asia, go to west africa and maternity wards..Also 1/4 of Walmart shopping women can handle you Winston... If you have a piece that big.. Don't flatter yourself.. I was a 10 pound baby.. So go boink my mom.. I was bigger than you
ReplyYes
ReplyRasputin je prostě borec lol
ReplyI saw it at the museum in November 2007. I wonder if the museum still exists? Doesn’t seem to show up on a google search
ReplyMy history teacher told me to go research Rasputin... Guess this is as good as it's gonna get. lmao
ReplyYes my professor told us to google it n see.
ReplyNow thats what i call BDE
ReplyRa ra rasputin russian greatest love machine ;)
ReplyIt was a shame how he carried on...
ReplyI love that you know this song. LOL
ReplyI love you song Rasputin by Boney M,
ReplyPieter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers
Replyif wishes were horses we could all take a ride
ReplyThat's a great song.
Replygreat saying
ReplyYes
ReplyI don't believe that any human being can be blessed with this sexual appendage.
ReplyUmm I guess...
ReplyThats one big pp
ReplyI had no idea there were so many ways to say “big dick”. Thank you, author.
ReplyI thought so too. Brilliant! haha
ReplyRed flag red flag red flag!!! How revolting. This must be the new norm for some. SMH in disgust. Absolutely no respect! Just perverted judgement & assumption. Anything to draw attention towards ignorance & stupidity.
ReplyUmm... jeez! It is a historical detail about an intriguing person in history and isn't a "new norm" but people have been wondering about it ever since he died a long time ago. What a prude... People have sex organs and are very interested in them. If we weren't our species would not continue to exist...
ReplyHahahahahahahah. Ignorance and stupidity she says.
ReplyYou did not have to read it if it’s beneath you, let alone leave a comment. Sucks you share the same name as me.
ReplyVery amused. All of a sudden, very warm.
Replylook like mine :/
ReplyBoi, yo name is literally “is small”
Replyhahaha
ReplyI would love to suck such a big cock!
Replydojebany
ReplyThat looks like a horse dick.
ReplyMine looks about the same when not hard.
ReplyRa ra rasputin, russias greatest love machine
ReplyI don't believe this is actually Rasputin's johnson. However, it looks nothing like a sea cucumber. I suspect it probably belongs to some animal. Or another person. But... if it's a person, I'd like to know how they got it. Because if it's human, it's a crime in some form or other. Anyway, we will never truly know.
Replymind blowing story.its a great story for sex scar
Replywe are with you.keep on demanding.its your right.
Replyits circumside if it was animal it would have forskin to cover the head gland
ReplyInteresting article but extremely unlikely and difficult to believe there is much truth in it. Seems rather fictitious to me ! I am inclined to believe the Sea Cucumber or Horse/Bovine animal explanation myself but no one will ever know the real truth just like many of life and history's conundrums !
ReplyUtterly enjoyed this story. I am so glad that I read it.
Replyi just don't believe this
Replylol
ReplyGreat article, very funny :)
ReplyLoved the article! Reached here after reading the whole wiki about him but this one is more interestingly written! You Rock, Author!
ReplyWow
ReplyWhat a beautifully written piece...plenty of laughs there. Mikelefou from France .....you have seen bigger, they must make them BIG over there?? Wee wee
ReplyI have seen bigger in the showers at my local rugby club! Not that rare believe me...
ReplyI really doubt it…
ReplyYou're as delusional as Ra Ra himself unless your rugby club are all fools and horses.
ReplyWell, no one will believe this, but I'm a dependent of Rasputin's through my paternal grandmother. The family has letters and books that prove it. No magical powers, 13 inch dong, or evil inclinations inherited.
ReplyThat should read "descendant", not dependant, sorry.
ReplyI am a decendant of the great Guitary Guitar the III, former Lord of Dongerland. No one believes me but I assure you that he is my ancestor
ReplyI thought this was funny to be honest !
ReplyCool article!
ReplyLoved the alliteration. Good work.
ReplyVery well written. Who is the author of this article? Please take a well earned credit.
ReplyWow Rasputin was so dangerous now I can understand why is many women interest in him if he still live in this time hi can be a good porno star lol
ReplyTo be fair, I think his manipulative personality and charisma is what attracted people. It wasn't only women either. Though I think the size of his penis is more of an urban legend. Anyway, don't get too excited about him... he was also a rapist.
ReplyRasputin was huge!
ReplyWhile reading this article, I was laughing so hard I had trouble breathing. I still have tears on my cheeks. I just love all the different, poetic synonyms you come up with to describe Rasputin's cock. Several years ago, I Googled "Rasputin" out of curiosity. The first title to come up was Rasputin at Wikipedia, and the second was..."Rasputin's Penis." Also at Wikipedia. I remember showing my sister, and how hard we both laughed at the probable troll article. Well, sadly, that article was taken down. But I'm glad to have found this one! I'll be sharing this on FB now.
ReplyInteresting…But it's closed. :/
ReplyWalked all the way to the museum there was a sign saying it had 'closed forever' I don't know where the member has gone.
ReplyGreat story. Tried finding my way to the museum this past weekend to see the 'artifact' but failed finding the place. It seems to have been shut down?
ReplyThen you woke up...
ReplyOh.!! really that is very extraordinary. Concerning Rasputin's abnormal capabilities, I think this organ would be another result of the self miraculous power which he had.
Reply