A Cock and Bull Story?

3 min read    102 comments

Many legends surround the pilgrim, mystic and faith-healer Grigori Rasputin, one-time advisor to the Romanov family and, as Boney M famously put it, 'Russia's greatest love machine'. However of all the famous fables, few are quite as long-winded or amusing as the stories directly concerned with the Mad Monk's gigantic genitalia. Since the Siberian's assassination in 1916 many people have claimed to own the penis of the dead man, with one prominent Russian doctor currently displaying what he upholds is the real Rasputin rooter in his museum in St. Petersburg.

Rasputin Exhibition Guided Tour

Book tickets online

Hang on a minute! How can anyone claim to have grabbed hold of such a schlong when surely the Russian mystic and royal advisor was buried with his tackle intact? Well not so according to some, who would have us believe that a maid came into possession of the prize privates after Rasputin's death. Some say that Rasputin was castrated by his assasins and that a maid found the dismembered... Errr... member when cleaning up the next day. Others claim that the canny wench, one of the hairy man's many bedtime conspirators, severed the sausage as a souvenir after the autopsy.

Whatever the (un)truth of the matter, the (alleged) fact is that Rasputin's ramrod was at large in the world. And much like in its making hay-day, the beast was wont to wander. In fact it next turned up in 1920s Paris, where a group of Russian ex-patriates worshipped the wonder weiner, certain that it would bring them fertility.

However, on finding out about this crazy cult, Marie Rasputin (the Mad Monk's daughter) expressed her extreme disapproval of such goings-on and demanded the return of daddy's dong. However, just when it seemed that the saintly shaft had finally shrunk from the annals, it popped up again in 1994 for a final hurrah.

It happened that Michael Augustine of California aquired the jolly John Thomas by accident when he purchased the effects of one Dr. Ripple in 1977. Dr. Ripple had collaborated with Marie Rasputin on a hagiography of her father, and so had inherited the whopper willy on Marie's demise. Or had she? Well after Michael Augustine sold the item in question to Bonham's auction house, tests were done and the would-be winkle turned out to be not a penis at all - but a dessicated sea-cucumber.

And that was the (bell) end of that? No, siree. The latest twist in the trouser snake saga involves eminent Russian doctor Igor Knyazkin, head physician of the Prostate Centre of Russia's Academy of Sciences. The good doctor proudly opened the nation's first Museum of Erotica in 2004 (in a sexual health clinic!) in order to display some of the 15,000 items he has amassed during his time as a sex objects collector. Amongst them - you guessed it - is none other than the alleged appendage of the Mad Monk himself.

An impressive 11 inches (nearly 30cm) long, and as thick as most men's wrists, the pickled pecker certainly measures up to the reports of Rasputin's raking rapier - which according to his daughter Marie (we're afraid to ask how she would know this!) was a whopping 13 inches long when pointing skywards.

So Dr. Knyazkin's exhibit looks the part - so to speak - but is it really the genuine johnson? Well, no tests have been conducted on the mummified monster, which raises one's suspicions, whilst the general consensus amongst zoologists is that the ostracised organ most likely once belonged to a horse or bovine animal...

Making the tool tale of Rasputin's penis, quite literally, a cock and bull story.

More sleaze Vicar?


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Brian Babilonia

Hey bro Nice dick

Reply Apr 2nd, 2020

you to

Reply Apr 3rd, 2020

Great fuckin cock. Very impressed. You have my respect

Reply Mar 30th, 2020

Nice cock

Reply Mar 28th, 2020

thats a nice dong

Reply Feb 18th, 2020

No more big dick energy now it’s rasputin energy

Reply Jan 29th, 2020
jim beam

i did not know he was black

Reply Jan 24th, 2020
Rasputin's secret admirer
Trinidad And Tobago

massive fucking shlong, would love to deepthroat it x

Reply Jan 24th, 2020
United States

mines bigger and im 17

Reply Jan 21st, 2020
United States

mines bigger and i'm 6

Reply Jan 24th, 2020
United States

Then you should let me help you out with that.

Reply Feb 6th, 2020

im still alive

Reply Jan 11th, 2020

Is this the horn of Gondor?

Reply Aug 20th, 2019

Ra ra Rasputín Russians greatest love machine

Reply Aug 15th, 2019
United States

Makes me so wet!

Reply May 27th, 2019
Antigua And Barbuda


Reply Jun 7th, 2019
i love trap pussy


Reply Jan 24th, 2020

ur gross

Reply Mar 19th, 2020
glibber bagguette

Whoever wrote this is a literary genius please write my essays much thank!

Reply Apr 30th, 2019

lazy ass

Reply Mar 19th, 2020

Thank you

Reply Apr 20th, 2019
Winston McHaffie
United States

A blessing?? I have 9.5” and believe it is no blessing. Girl go out with me one time and they are done. Can’t wear shorts, even Bermuda’s.

Reply Apr 17th, 2019

Stay out of Asia, go to west africa and maternity wards..Also 1/4 of Walmart shopping women can handle you Winston... If you have a piece that big.. Don't flatter yourself.. I was a 10 pound baby.. So go boink my mom.. I was bigger than you

Reply Jun 28th, 2019

You kidding brrr

Reply Sep 26th, 2019

Try men. They will adore you!

Reply Oct 9th, 2019


Reply Mar 13th, 2019
Czech Republic

Rasputin je prostě borec lol

Reply Feb 25th, 2019

I saw it at the museum in November 2007. I wonder if the museum still exists? Doesn’t seem to show up on a google search

Reply Dec 14th, 2018
United States

My history teacher told me to go research Rasputin... Guess this is as good as it's gonna get. lmao

Reply Nov 12th, 2018

Yes my professor told us to google it n see.

Reply Dec 14th, 2018

Now thats what i call BDE

Reply Oct 11th, 2018

Ra ra rasputin russian greatest love machine ;)

Reply Oct 4th, 2018

It was a shame how he carried on...

Reply Oct 5th, 2018
United States

I love that you know this song. LOL

Reply Dec 7th, 2018
United States

I love you song Rasputin by Boney M,

Reply Mar 3rd, 2019

Pieter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers

Reply Sep 14th, 2018
United States

if wishes were horses we could all take a ride

Reply Aug 18th, 2018
Those Russians

That's a great song.

Reply Aug 27th, 2018

great saying

Reply Jan 7th, 2019


Reply Mar 3rd, 2019
Hope Duchaine
United States

I don't believe that any human being can be blessed with this sexual appendage.

Reply Jul 31st, 2018
United States

Umm I guess...

Reply Nov 27th, 2018
George Thomson

You will be surprised if you check better! The truth is out there...

Reply Oct 9th, 2019
Jan Michael Vincent
United Kingdom

Thats one big pp

Reply Jun 29th, 2018
United States

I had no idea there were so many ways to say “big dick”. Thank you, author.

Reply Jun 1st, 2018
United States

I thought so too. Brilliant! haha

Reply Dec 30th, 2018

Red flag red flag red flag!!! How revolting. This must be the new norm for some. SMH in disgust. Absolutely no respect! Just perverted judgement & assumption. Anything to draw attention towards ignorance & stupidity.

Reply Mar 28th, 2018
Jeez Canadian Lady Relax
United States

Umm... jeez! It is a historical detail about an intriguing person in history and isn't a "new norm" but people have been wondering about it ever since he died a long time ago. What a prude... People have sex organs and are very interested in them. If we weren't our species would not continue to exist...

Reply Dec 30th, 2018

Hahahahahahahah. Ignorance and stupidity she says.

Reply Jul 13th, 2019
United States

You did not have to read it if it’s beneath you, let alone leave a comment. Sucks you share the same name as me.

Reply Jul 21st, 2019
George Thomson

May day, May day! A big dick is on its way!

Reply Oct 9th, 2019
United States

Very amused. All of a sudden, very warm.

Reply Feb 10th, 2018
United States

look like mine :/

Reply Jan 25th, 2018
United States

Boi, yo name is literally “is small”

Reply Feb 1st, 2019


Reply Mar 9th, 2019
George Thomson

If you are uncut...

Reply Oct 9th, 2019
South Africa

I would love to suck such a big cock!

Reply Dec 22nd, 2017


Reply Nov 9th, 2017
United States

That looks like a horse dick.

Reply Oct 5th, 2017
United States

Mine looks about the same when not hard.

Reply Jun 14th, 2019
George Thomson

Are you uncut?

Reply Oct 9th, 2019

Ra ra rasputin, russias greatest love machine

Reply Jul 17th, 2017
United Kingdom

I don't believe this is actually Rasputin's johnson. However, it looks nothing like a sea cucumber. I suspect it probably belongs to some animal. Or another person. But... if it's a person, I'd like to know how they got it. Because if it's human, it's a crime in some form or other. Anyway, we will never truly know.

Reply Jul 11th, 2017
naresh yadav

mind blowing story.its a great story for sex scar

Reply Jun 1st, 2017

we are with you.keep on demanding.its your right.

Reply Jun 1st, 2017

its circumside if it was animal it would have forskin to cover the head gland

Reply Jan 24th, 2017
George Thomson

Most Europeans and of course russian we are uncut

Reply Oct 9th, 2019
United Kingdom

Interesting article but extremely unlikely and difficult to believe there is much truth in it. Seems rather fictitious to me ! I am inclined to believe the Sea Cucumber or Horse/Bovine animal explanation myself but no one will ever know the real truth just like many of life and history's conundrums !

Reply Oct 8th, 2016
United States

Utterly enjoyed this story. I am so glad that I read it.

Reply Jun 21st, 2016
South Africa

i just don't believe this

Reply Nov 17th, 2015


Reply Jul 14th, 2015

Great article, very funny :)

Reply Jul 5th, 2015

Loved the article! Reached here after reading the whole wiki about him but this one is more interestingly written! You Rock, Author!

Reply Jun 13th, 2015
United States


Reply Jun 10th, 2015

What a beautifully written piece...plenty of laughs there. Mikelefou from France .....you have seen bigger, they must make them BIG over there?? Wee wee

Reply May 23rd, 2015

I have seen bigger in the showers at my local rugby club! Not that rare believe me...

Reply Apr 14th, 2015
no, you bozo

I really doubt it…

Reply Jun 8th, 2015
New Zealand

You're as delusional as Ra Ra himself unless your rugby club are all fools and horses.

Reply Feb 11th, 2018
United States

Well, no one will believe this, but I'm a dependent of Rasputin's through my paternal grandmother. The family has letters and books that prove it. No magical powers, 13 inch dong, or evil inclinations inherited.

Reply Mar 29th, 2015
United States

That should read "descendant", not dependant, sorry.

Reply Mar 29th, 2015
Dr. Mentrationational Pac Guitary
United States

I am a decendant of the great Guitary Guitar the III, former Lord of Dongerland. No one believes me but I assure you that he is my ancestor

Reply Feb 19th, 2018

I thought this was funny to be honest !

Reply Mar 21st, 2015
Philipe Afonsk

Cool article!

Reply Dec 2nd, 2013
Drake Lee-Patterson
United States

Loved the alliteration. Good work.

Reply Aug 24th, 2013
Sara from USA
United States

Very well written. Who is the author of this article? Please take a well earned credit.

Reply Aug 7th, 2013

Wow Rasputin was so dangerous now I can understand why is many women interest in him if he still live in this time hi can be a good porno star lol

Reply Jul 1st, 2013
United Kingdom

To be fair, I think his manipulative personality and charisma is what attracted people. It wasn't only women either. Though I think the size of his penis is more of an urban legend. Anyway, don't get too excited about him... he was also a rapist.

Reply Jul 11th, 2017

Rasputin was huge!

Reply Jun 7th, 2013
United States

While reading this article, I was laughing so hard I had trouble breathing. I still have tears on my cheeks. I just love all the different, poetic synonyms you come up with to describe Rasputin's cock. Several years ago, I Googled "Rasputin" out of curiosity. The first title to come up was Rasputin at Wikipedia, and the second was..."Rasputin's Penis." Also at Wikipedia. I remember showing my sister, and how hard we both laughed at the probable troll article. Well, sadly, that article was taken down. But I'm glad to have found this one! I'll be sharing this on FB now.

Reply May 25th, 2013

Interesting…But it's closed. :/

Reply Apr 26th, 2013
United States

Such a little thing

Reply Feb 7th, 2013
Hong Kong

The museum is shutted down according to my visit to Petersburg at Feb 12.

Reply Jan 28th, 2013

Walked all the way to the museum there was a sign saying it had 'closed forever' I don't know where the member has gone.

Reply Jul 22nd, 2012
standard 7834
United States

Great story. Tried finding my way to the museum this past weekend to see the 'artifact' but failed finding the place. It seems to have been shut down?

Reply Aug 4th, 2012

The people who have written comments on the article are liars.

Reply Jan 12th, 2012
United Kingdom

who ever wrote this article is a total legend!!!

Reply Nov 22nd, 2011

I've seen bigger than that in my mirror.

Reply Aug 13th, 2011
United States

Then you woke up...

Reply Dec 28th, 2018
Peter N.

He's half the man I am ;)

Reply Feb 28th, 2011
Prasad Wanni Arachchi
United States

Oh.!! really that is very extraordinary. Concerning Rasputin's abnormal capabilities, I think this organ would be another result of the self miraculous power which he had.

Reply Jan 25th, 2011

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