A Cock and Bull Story?
Many legends surround the pilgrim, mystic and faith-healer Grigori Rasputin, one-time advisor to the Romanov family and, as Boney M famously put it, 'Russia's greatest love machine'. However of all the famous fables, few are quite as long-winded or amusing as the stories directly concerned with the Mad Monk's gigantic genitalia. Since the Siberian's assassination in 1916 many people have claimed to own the penis of the dead man, with one prominent Russian doctor currently displaying what he upholds is the real Rasputin rooter in his museum in St. Petersburg.
Hang on a minute! How can anyone claim to have grabbed hold of such a schlong when surely the Russian mystic and royal advisor was buried with his tackle intact? Well not so according to some, who would have us believe that a maid came into possession of the prize privates after Rasputin's death. Some say that Rasputin was castrated by his assasins and that a maid found the dismembered... Errr... member when cleaning up the next day. Others claim that the canny wench, one of the hairy man's many bedtime conspirators, severed the sausage as a souvenir after the autopsy.
Whatever the (un)truth of the matter, the (alleged) fact is that Rasputin's ramrod was at large in the world. And much like in its making hay-day, the beast was wont to wander. In fact it next turned up in 1920s Paris, where a group of Russian ex-patriates worshipped the wonder weiner, certain that it would bring them fertility.
However, on finding out about this crazy cult, Marie Rasputin (the Mad Monk's daughter) expressed her extreme disapproval of such goings-on and demanded the return of daddy's dong. However, just when it seemed that the saintly shaft had finally shrunk from the annals, it popped up again in 1994 for a final hurrah.
It happened that Michael Augustine of California aquired the jolly John Thomas by accident when he purchased the effects of one Dr. Ripple in 1977. Dr. Ripple had collaborated with Marie Rasputin on a hagiography of her father, and so had inherited the whopper willy on Marie's demise. Or had she? Well after Michael Augustine sold the item in question to Bonham's auction house, tests were done and the would-be winkle turned out to be not a penis at all - but a dessicated sea-cucumber.
And that was the (bell) end of that? No, siree. The latest twist in the trouser snake saga involves eminent Russian doctor Igor Knyazkin, head physician of the Prostate Centre of Russia's Academy of Sciences. The good doctor proudly opened the nation's first Museum of Erotica in 2004 (in a sexual health clinic!) in order to display some of the 15,000 items he has amassed during his time as a sex objects collector. Amongst them - you guessed it - is none other than the alleged appendage of the Mad Monk himself.
An impressive 11 inches (nearly 30cm) long, and as thick as most men's wrists, the pickled pecker certainly measures up to the reports of Rasputin's raking rapier - which according to his daughter Marie (we're afraid to ask how she would know this!) was a whopping 13 inches long when pointing skywards.
So Dr. Knyazkin's exhibit looks the part - so to speak - but is it really the genuine johnson? Well, no tests have been conducted on the mummified monster, which raises one's suspicions, whilst the general consensus amongst zoologists is that the ostracised organ most likely once belonged to a horse or bovine animal...
Making the tool tale of Rasputin's penis, quite literally, a cock and bull story.
More sleaze Vicar?
Laurie from Australia Reply
What a beautifully written piece...plenty of laughs there. Mikelefou from France .....you have seen bigger, they must make them BIG over there?? Wee wee
mikelefou from France Reply
I have seen bigger in the showers at my local rugby club! Not that rare believe me...
BabyRasputin from United States Reply
Well, no one will believe this, but I'm a dependent of Rasputin's through my paternal grandmother. The family has letters and books that prove it. No magical powers, 13 inch dong, or evil inclinations inherited.
BabyRasputin from United States
That should read "descendant", not dependant, sorry.
Talia from Germany Reply
I thought this was funny to be honest !
Philipe Afonsk from Brazil Reply
Drake Lee-Patterson from United States Reply
Loved the alliteration. Good work.
Sara from USA from United States Reply
Very well written. Who is the author of this article? Please take a well earned credit.
Luna from Brazil Reply
Wow Rasputin was so dangerous now I can understand why is many women interest in him if he still live in this time hi can be a good porno star lol
Rasputin was huge!
Rachel from United States Reply
While reading this article, I was laughing so hard I had trouble breathing. I still have tears on my cheeks. I just love all the different, poetic synonyms you come up with to describe Rasputin's cock. Several years ago, I Googled "Rasputin" out of curiosity. The first title to come up was Rasputin at Wikipedia, and the second was..."Rasputin's Penis." Also at Wikipedia. I remember showing my sister, and how hard we both laughed at the probable troll article. Well, sadly, that article was taken down. But I'm glad to have found this one! I'll be sharing this on FB now.
Guest from Ireland Reply
Interesting…But it's closed. :/
from United States Reply
Such a little thing
Brian from Hong Kong Reply
The museum is shutted down according to my visit to Petersburg at Feb 12.
from Australia Reply
Walked all the way to the museum there was a sign saying it had 'closed forever' I don't know where the member has gone.
standard 7834 from United States Reply
Great story. Tried finding my way to the museum this past weekend to see the 'artifact' but failed finding the place. It seems to have been shut down?
karma from Canada Reply
The people who have written comments on the article are liars.
chris from United Kingdom Reply
who ever wrote this article is a total legend!!!
BBPOY from Uzbekistan Reply
I've seen bigger than that in my mirror.
Peter N. from Philippines Reply
He's half the man I am ;)
Prasad Wanni Arachchi from United States Reply
Oh.!! really that is very extraordinary. Concerning Rasputin's abnormal capabilities, I think this organ would be another result of the self miraculous power which he had.