The happy news here is that we're not going to have to embarrass ourselves trying to promote events that don't quite cut the mustard. It may well be that the Tiddlywink Olympics come to Vienna one day, but for the time being there are plenty of more inspiring events to choose from. Like the Annual Sea Shanty Festival for example, or the International Wicker Basket Lovers Congress - two jewels in Vienna's crown. O.K we're pulling your leg there, and as far as we know, such events haven't turned up in Vienna yet. So enough silly chatter - on with the job at hand.
If you want to zoom straight in on picks for this and next month, then click on the links at the top of the page. Otherwise, here are a few basic pointers on some of the major attractions of the cultural calendar:
The New Year starts with a blast in Vienna, with events for both children and grown-ups. A fireworks display provides a popular focus over the Stephansdom. On New Year's Day itself, the most coveted trophy is a ticket to the famed concert at the Musikverein. Strauss dominates the programme, and cameras transport the show across the world.
While Winter lasts, locals enjoy some Anna Karenina antics at the long-standing ice-rink by the Rathaus.
Retro rules when the International Accordion Festival arrives in February, offsetting the Winter blues with some squeezebox shenanigans.
Easter has many highlights in Vienna, beginning with the traditional market at the Freyung. The Osterklang (Sound of Easter Festival) unfurls classics of devotional music.
A traditional Spring favourite is the Fruhlingsfestival, divided between the Muzikverein and the Philharmonic. Austrian composers remain the focus. Meanwhile, the Donau Festival sets up shop in the Wachau with some contemporary grooves.
Summer is stacked with attractions, kicking off with the JazzFest Wien, which runs through June and July. This is followed by ImPulsTanz, a wide-ranging dance festival that takes in everything from baroque to hip-hop. June also sees the epic Nova Rock Festival an hour west of the capital.
In November, the famed Ball season begins, lasting all the way until June. These days there's a fruity mix of old school affairs and irreverent fun-fests.
December is one of the most distinctive times to be in Vienna, as let's be honest, the Central Europeans know how to do Christmas properly. The Viennese also have a handy helper in the form of snow. Markets pop up across the city with presents and mulled wine galore.